I always wanted John to be happy, and if he wasn't with me, then I still hope he finds it somewhere. I can be a big girl and say that. There's no part of me that doesn't still love John, but now it's just a different love, the love you just keep for a human being. And loving someone means that you want them to be happy, no matter what. So if John wasn't happy with me, I hope he becomes happy somewhere else. When any of my relationships ended, I was always thought about who I was before meeting them and who I am today and how I've changed, and whether it was for the better or for the worse. It was actually usually the better. So I've been trying to focus on the positives instead of the negatives now.
After loving John, I've learned that it's okay to be yourself. I was like a wounded, helpless, frail bird when I met John, and he nursed me back to normal, a bit, again. Coming off of the Lifetime movie-esque relationship I had with Joe (which is a bad thing, because all Lifetime movies have women who are beaten and abused and yelled at and made to feel like shit and controlled or something like that and they're all helpless and you're yelling at the screen to tell them to get out of the relationship, that it's very easy, but it's never the easy choice), I was all sorts of messed up. I didn't know who I was, I had spent years hearing I was this awful person and I wasn't. John showed me I wasn't. John loved my fun facts, no one ever loved my fun facts. He showed me it's okay to be me because I can be loved for it. He showed me the magic and love in the little things, little surprises. He showed me that dinner is not McDonald's or Wendy's, but that it's worth it to spend the extra money and be a grown up and get a little dressy and go out to a nice restaurant, like SUSHI! YUM! He helped me be a little more open-minded. He showed me that someone will treat my son nicely, that not all men will look at him as an annoyance or hindrance. He showed me that it's okay to ask for help when you really, really need it, because other people will like helping you. I learned that it's okay to slow down, because not everything needs to get done at once, and that sometimes, I get too frazzled and stressed out and it's okay to ignore chores and just have a little fun instead. He showed me that a strong family bond is a very desirable trait in someone. He showed me that families can be normal! That families can be close, and talk about things, and resolve issues, and not be drunks or druggies or bad people, that you can spend nights playing Scrabble...er, Words With Friends...with family members and actually have a lot of fun! He showed me that people can grow up normal, and just because I didn't, it doesn't make me different. He taught me that honesty about your feelings is a good thing. He taught me that I can have a problem with someone and bring it up and they won't leave me just because I did (even though we ironically broke up because I said I was hurt by something he did...Alanis Morissette would be so proud of my love of irony). He showed me that I'm a strong woman, I am. He showed me that I do a lot for others and that I am a good person, and that I am some sort of lovable. And loving John has shown me that I can love someone in ways I never thought possible. All those times when I thought my heart was too broken by previous life experiences to ever be able to work again, John showed me I could if the right person came along. He was exactly what I needed. And so I went into this relationship weak, slow, feeble, helpless, and I came out of it almost 6 months later a stronger woman, a smarter woman, more confident, more loving, more open. I believe everyone was put in your life for a reason, so even the failed relationships teach you so much.
I feel a bit better now. I feel a bit stronger for writing that. I feel like I can get on with my day, and that with each day I will hurt less. And someday, maybe, my heart will love again. But I'm not focusing on that now. I just need to focus on my son and my schooling and be by myself. I'm used to it, I love it, it's comforting and familiar and that's all I need right now. It's funny that I always think of loneliness as my default setting, and relationships as short spurts of companionship and love spaced in between that.
There's a toddler repeating 'Mom...mom....mom!' starting in the next room, and so day one has begun. Breathe...
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Day One.
Waking up today, the world seems like such a sad place again. He didn't text or call, I knew he wouldn't. Probably too busy trying to get into someone else's pants. I know I made a mistake when I told him I wanted to break up, but he didn't have to take it this far. Him leaving and hanging up on me was the last straw. I have no idea why he did that. I have no idea why he did any of this. MaryAnn was right, he really just wanted to break up with me and this was his opportunity. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid for believing he actually loved me. What an idiot. Why do guys drag your heart around for shits and giggles? Is anyone genuinely real anymore? Probably not.
And now his sister won't talk to me and I know she read what I wrote to her. We always said that no matter what happened between her brother and I that we'd always be friends, but I guess not. He probably told her all this bad shit about me. Probably told his whole family. Now I have no one. Just Jace. I love Jace. Good thing he'll never leave me. Good thing he actually loves me, I know he does.
I still feel the tears and sadness that has taken residence inside me, but I dare not let them out, because then he wins. He won anyway. He got everything he wanted, to be free and away from me, while I'm drowning in confusion and sadness. All because he wouldn't fucking apologize! Why?! That's the problem with people who had great lives and little hardship, they think very rarely of others, only themselves. Any day of the week, he could simply go up one or two flights of stairs and see his dad. I can't. I haven't in 13 years. To see my dad, I have to drive 8-10 hours. I see my dad ONE day a YEAR. Every girl needs her dad, and I need mine, even though we're not close. And I walked around talking all this good stuff about John and he couldn't even bother to show up. I went out of my way so many times for his parents! And for his friends! Lord knows if there's a group of people I can't stand, it's drama geeks! And I was in a whole room of them the other night for him! He doesn't appreciate at all the amount of times I went out with him when I really wanted to stay home and sleep. Or how many times I stayed up doing things I should have been doing but was staying with him instead. All wasted. I'm so dumb.
I miss John. But I can never go back to him. Not after last night. All that's left is to move on I guess. He probably already has. Because apparently I meant nothing to him and that's why he can do all the things he did. I don't remember being this hurt since the infamous Anthony break up. But I guess the good in this all is that I learned that I know I can love again after my heart's been broken, and I'll do it again someday. Maybe. I'm not at all interested in dating anyone, probably won't be for months or years. I'd rather just be alone and not hurt than to think someone loves me and then get my heart torn out. My heart hurts. That physical hurt that only a love taken away can bring up. I loved John. I wanted to marry him and spend my life with him, every fucking day. Ruined. Ruined because he couldn't apologize, he hung up, he went out partying instead of trying to work things out. Back to hating life. Back to depression, back to the familiar feeling of loneliness and no friends and no one understands me and I'm alone and sad. I miss John. I wish he didn't do this. I wish he would've just loved me. Maybe someday someone will. Probably not though, let's be realistic.
And now his sister won't talk to me and I know she read what I wrote to her. We always said that no matter what happened between her brother and I that we'd always be friends, but I guess not. He probably told her all this bad shit about me. Probably told his whole family. Now I have no one. Just Jace. I love Jace. Good thing he'll never leave me. Good thing he actually loves me, I know he does.
I still feel the tears and sadness that has taken residence inside me, but I dare not let them out, because then he wins. He won anyway. He got everything he wanted, to be free and away from me, while I'm drowning in confusion and sadness. All because he wouldn't fucking apologize! Why?! That's the problem with people who had great lives and little hardship, they think very rarely of others, only themselves. Any day of the week, he could simply go up one or two flights of stairs and see his dad. I can't. I haven't in 13 years. To see my dad, I have to drive 8-10 hours. I see my dad ONE day a YEAR. Every girl needs her dad, and I need mine, even though we're not close. And I walked around talking all this good stuff about John and he couldn't even bother to show up. I went out of my way so many times for his parents! And for his friends! Lord knows if there's a group of people I can't stand, it's drama geeks! And I was in a whole room of them the other night for him! He doesn't appreciate at all the amount of times I went out with him when I really wanted to stay home and sleep. Or how many times I stayed up doing things I should have been doing but was staying with him instead. All wasted. I'm so dumb.
I miss John. But I can never go back to him. Not after last night. All that's left is to move on I guess. He probably already has. Because apparently I meant nothing to him and that's why he can do all the things he did. I don't remember being this hurt since the infamous Anthony break up. But I guess the good in this all is that I learned that I know I can love again after my heart's been broken, and I'll do it again someday. Maybe. I'm not at all interested in dating anyone, probably won't be for months or years. I'd rather just be alone and not hurt than to think someone loves me and then get my heart torn out. My heart hurts. That physical hurt that only a love taken away can bring up. I loved John. I wanted to marry him and spend my life with him, every fucking day. Ruined. Ruined because he couldn't apologize, he hung up, he went out partying instead of trying to work things out. Back to hating life. Back to depression, back to the familiar feeling of loneliness and no friends and no one understands me and I'm alone and sad. I miss John. I wish he didn't do this. I wish he would've just loved me. Maybe someday someone will. Probably not though, let's be realistic.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
I'm Gonna Be Okay. Right?
I guess I won't be ranting about boyfriend troubles anymore because I no longer have a boyfriend.
I can barely breathe and I've been pacing around my room for 30 minutes repeating 'I'm gonna be okay' over and over again, restraining as many tears as I possibly can, letting a few go now and then when my body feels tense and dense and heavy with sadness and fear and anger and depression. I can feel all the tears I want to let out deep in my chest and I heave to keep them in. Crying seems pointless. Crying won't change what happened. There isn't enough crying to make me not depressed right now, so what's the point in feeling shameful in crying over him.
All because he couldn't just meet my damn dad. Because he couldn't hustle his fucking ass one day a year to come meet my dad. But it's not that. It was his reaction to it all. I think he just wanted to break up with me for a long time and this was just it. I'm such an idiot. And now I'm such a mess. And he wouldn't talk to me all fucking day and when we did he refused to apologize and now instead of talking to me he's at some dumb fucking party, because that's always what's more important to guys. And he hung up on me. And now the tears are coming in heavy and it's harder and harder to keep them contained. I'm so fucking hurt right now. More hurt than I've felt in years. I wish I had never met him. I'd rather not have loved him so much if it meant I wouldn't be going through this pain right now. I need a near-fatal dose of NyQuil to keep my mind off my depression tonight.
But I just keep convincing myself that I'm gonna be okay. I know that break ups are always the hardest in the beginning, and they slowly but surely get better. I remember thinking I'd never survive my breakup with Anthony. And I spent weeks isolated in my house doing drugs and drinking all day long and waiting for his car to come up my driveway. And I didn't even realize that in all that time I was slowly but surely getting stronger and moving on, and I never realized that someday I'd be over him. And I thought I would never love again. I was sure of it. But I did. I loved John in ways I didn't know were imaginable. And that gives me hope that someday, however long it takes to get over, I can love someone again. Maybe I can let someone else in. But I will definitely proceed with much more caution, if I ever have get the chance to date again. I would definitely take things slower than I did with John. You need minimum 5-10 years to really know someone, and I was ready to spill my soul to John in a heartbeat. I will be much more careful next time.
On the bright side, I always lose a ton of weight when I get single, so at least I'll have that going for me. Being sad but pretty, the role of the American woman. Is it? I don't know. I'm having a bit of a breakdown so I'm not really sure. What I am sure of is that my heart is broken in a million little pieces, and I will not trust anyone else as easily as I did John. You never know who people really are. You think you know someone, and they pull some crazy shit out of left field.
I had a strong feeling that John and I would eventually get back together. But that was before I realized that he went out to party and hung up on me. He has no chance. He has hurt me beyond the point of return now. I hope he regrets this, they always do. Men always fuck up and think they'll be fine and better off and then they all come fucking crawling back! Anthony did, Joe did, Andrew did, they all miss how fucking good they had it. John fucked up so bad tonight. He acted EXACTLY like how Joe did, and that's how I knew that this was over, officially over. I will never be with another jerk like Joe. I spent years depressed by him and emotionally dizzy because he was always doing things that broke my heart. No more. I'm tired of having my heart constantly broken.
I'm gonna be okay. Someday I can learn to love and trust someone again. I just don't know how long it will take to wonder through this depression, and how long it will take before my heart stops hurting, physically hurting. I hope it's quick. I won't give John the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. He'd love it. All men do. How weird that I thought he was different than all the other guys, yet he is literally exactly the same as 99% of them. Someday I will find my prince. I have to. I have to believe in love. It's all I've ever wanted. At least I have Jace. He'll never leave me. John wanted to. He's fine with this. He'll probably hump some easy chick tonight and think nothing of it and go on in life, will my time is spent healing and recovering and hurting. I need sleep. I want to sleep and wake up and be in that phase of a break up where you're completely moved on from it. It took years for Ant and months for Joe. Maybe my heart will heal faster this time. I hope so. John really fucked me over. I loved him so much. We both lost out on what could have been such a great thing. I deleted his number and Facebook and anything I had. That way I can't text or call him all the time like I did to Anthony, I remember how annoying that was. I want to just purge John from my life completely, including skipping the psycho ex gf messages and calls. He's not worth it. He's not. I'm gonna be okay.
I can barely breathe and I've been pacing around my room for 30 minutes repeating 'I'm gonna be okay' over and over again, restraining as many tears as I possibly can, letting a few go now and then when my body feels tense and dense and heavy with sadness and fear and anger and depression. I can feel all the tears I want to let out deep in my chest and I heave to keep them in. Crying seems pointless. Crying won't change what happened. There isn't enough crying to make me not depressed right now, so what's the point in feeling shameful in crying over him.
All because he couldn't just meet my damn dad. Because he couldn't hustle his fucking ass one day a year to come meet my dad. But it's not that. It was his reaction to it all. I think he just wanted to break up with me for a long time and this was just it. I'm such an idiot. And now I'm such a mess. And he wouldn't talk to me all fucking day and when we did he refused to apologize and now instead of talking to me he's at some dumb fucking party, because that's always what's more important to guys. And he hung up on me. And now the tears are coming in heavy and it's harder and harder to keep them contained. I'm so fucking hurt right now. More hurt than I've felt in years. I wish I had never met him. I'd rather not have loved him so much if it meant I wouldn't be going through this pain right now. I need a near-fatal dose of NyQuil to keep my mind off my depression tonight.
But I just keep convincing myself that I'm gonna be okay. I know that break ups are always the hardest in the beginning, and they slowly but surely get better. I remember thinking I'd never survive my breakup with Anthony. And I spent weeks isolated in my house doing drugs and drinking all day long and waiting for his car to come up my driveway. And I didn't even realize that in all that time I was slowly but surely getting stronger and moving on, and I never realized that someday I'd be over him. And I thought I would never love again. I was sure of it. But I did. I loved John in ways I didn't know were imaginable. And that gives me hope that someday, however long it takes to get over, I can love someone again. Maybe I can let someone else in. But I will definitely proceed with much more caution, if I ever have get the chance to date again. I would definitely take things slower than I did with John. You need minimum 5-10 years to really know someone, and I was ready to spill my soul to John in a heartbeat. I will be much more careful next time.
On the bright side, I always lose a ton of weight when I get single, so at least I'll have that going for me. Being sad but pretty, the role of the American woman. Is it? I don't know. I'm having a bit of a breakdown so I'm not really sure. What I am sure of is that my heart is broken in a million little pieces, and I will not trust anyone else as easily as I did John. You never know who people really are. You think you know someone, and they pull some crazy shit out of left field.
I had a strong feeling that John and I would eventually get back together. But that was before I realized that he went out to party and hung up on me. He has no chance. He has hurt me beyond the point of return now. I hope he regrets this, they always do. Men always fuck up and think they'll be fine and better off and then they all come fucking crawling back! Anthony did, Joe did, Andrew did, they all miss how fucking good they had it. John fucked up so bad tonight. He acted EXACTLY like how Joe did, and that's how I knew that this was over, officially over. I will never be with another jerk like Joe. I spent years depressed by him and emotionally dizzy because he was always doing things that broke my heart. No more. I'm tired of having my heart constantly broken.
I'm gonna be okay. Someday I can learn to love and trust someone again. I just don't know how long it will take to wonder through this depression, and how long it will take before my heart stops hurting, physically hurting. I hope it's quick. I won't give John the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. He'd love it. All men do. How weird that I thought he was different than all the other guys, yet he is literally exactly the same as 99% of them. Someday I will find my prince. I have to. I have to believe in love. It's all I've ever wanted. At least I have Jace. He'll never leave me. John wanted to. He's fine with this. He'll probably hump some easy chick tonight and think nothing of it and go on in life, will my time is spent healing and recovering and hurting. I need sleep. I want to sleep and wake up and be in that phase of a break up where you're completely moved on from it. It took years for Ant and months for Joe. Maybe my heart will heal faster this time. I hope so. John really fucked me over. I loved him so much. We both lost out on what could have been such a great thing. I deleted his number and Facebook and anything I had. That way I can't text or call him all the time like I did to Anthony, I remember how annoying that was. I want to just purge John from my life completely, including skipping the psycho ex gf messages and calls. He's not worth it. He's not. I'm gonna be okay.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Rants & Feelings & Other Such Nonsense
I've been getting a bit aggravated with John lately. I haven't been feeling quite so well lately.
With my mom being in Mexico for a week, I knew John would sleep over a lot, I just also expected to have a night or two to myself. I just feel so busy every now-and-then, and I long for some alone time. I don't think people appreciate the time you can spend all by your lonesome until you can no longer have that precious time. Not even that, but I do have other things to do besides hang out with John. He laughs, but I seriously do need time to do laundry and clean and sweep and all those other pesky little things that don't get done unless I do them. I just don't think he realizes all that's needed to upkeep a household, and that I like to get these things done one after another so I can maximize my relaxation time. Also, whenever he tells me he has somewhere to be or something to do, I don't try to talk him out of it, I let him go do whatever. But when I say I have something else to do or that something needs to get done, he has to try to coax me out of doing it and hang out with him instead. I wish he would just let me easily get my shit done instead of question it. I have a lot of shit to get done sometimes! I guess I'm just frustrated a bit. I just feel like every second of my every day is planned and sometimes I'd like some time to do whatever I want.
So last night I didn't have Jace and thought it'd be nice if John went to go hang out with his friends without me and I could just relax solo and sleep early and not feel guilty for leaving him alone and wide awake while I pass out at 9. But instead he insisted that he stay with me and then tried to keep me up, and was met with a very angry, very cranky Amanda. I feel bad, but sometimes I can get that way when I get tense and frustrated and feel crowded and such. It's a flaw. And for as bad as I can get now-a-days, I still know I'm so much better of a woman now than I was years ago. As bad as John thinks I can be, I'm a saint compared to how I behaved with other boyfriends. He's actually quite the lucky one so far! I haven't punched him or called him a pussy and told him to fuck off! I was quite the little bitch to everyone else at times, very hard to get along with, and in hindsight I see it perfectly clear. But I'm much more of an angel now! Every day is a constant battle to try to better myself to be someone that I can be extremely proud of being. Someday I hope to get there.
I love John, and none of this has anything to really do with him, although at times I feel he can be needy and high maintenance and needs constant activity going on. I'm just a bit burnt out from work and school and Jace and finances and family crap and people crap and cleaning up dog crap! I know things won't always be this way, and I'm excited for the day when they're not. I just don't see things changing anytime soon. John and I won't be able to afford an apartment for a loonnggg time and until then things will be a bit crappy. And I don't think John wants to move out of his house yet. But I guess it's a good thing that I have something great to look forward to, like living with John and spending my every day with my life intertwined with his. And maybe, hopefully, someday he'll want to marry me, and he'll act upon that feeling.
I haven't told John, but I've been throwing up quite a bit lately. I guess I just don't know how to stop. I eat a full meal and I have this overwhelming feeling of fullness and this need to get rid of this fullness and the gluttonous food in me and that's my go-to move. I haven't really figured out quite why I've been doing it lately. I'm sure it's got something to do with the underlying, innate feeling of ugliness and fatness and unworthiness that's been embedded in my DNA. A therapist once told me that eating disorders are one of the hardest behaviors to stop, and that most sufferers do it sporadically their whole lives. And I remember thinking about how sad that was, to be old and still feel ugly and unattractive and stick your fingers down your throat to vomit up the food you just ate because it will make you feel better. And then I realized, that I'll probably end up being one of those old ladies. It's something I've come to accept. The secrets and the lies and the throw up and the sneaky food behavior and the calorie counting and the sadness, that will always be with me. Ironically, the time when I was at my best with it was when I was single and dieting. And I think it's because I didn't have anyone whom I loved to inadvertently make me feel ugly sometimes. And I take it hard when I accidentally tell myself that my boyfriend thinks another girl is better looking than me. And there are lots of girls that are better looking, I just don't want to think that my boyfriend realizes this too! I always thought that the perfect love with the perfect guy would make it so I never felt ugly or gross again. But I realize that it makes me feel uglier, because I tell myself all the time, he think she's prettier/sexier/more beautiful/better looking/a bombshell/etc... I just hate that men are such horny creatures and can't think with anything other than their dick sometimes. Or if you do, I just don't want to hear about it! Like I didn't need to hear John talking about the woman who had her tits hanging out whom he noticed yet I didn't. I hope he immediately regretted those words. Probably not! Stupid men...
Well, that's all the ranting I think I have time for now!
With my mom being in Mexico for a week, I knew John would sleep over a lot, I just also expected to have a night or two to myself. I just feel so busy every now-and-then, and I long for some alone time. I don't think people appreciate the time you can spend all by your lonesome until you can no longer have that precious time. Not even that, but I do have other things to do besides hang out with John. He laughs, but I seriously do need time to do laundry and clean and sweep and all those other pesky little things that don't get done unless I do them. I just don't think he realizes all that's needed to upkeep a household, and that I like to get these things done one after another so I can maximize my relaxation time. Also, whenever he tells me he has somewhere to be or something to do, I don't try to talk him out of it, I let him go do whatever. But when I say I have something else to do or that something needs to get done, he has to try to coax me out of doing it and hang out with him instead. I wish he would just let me easily get my shit done instead of question it. I have a lot of shit to get done sometimes! I guess I'm just frustrated a bit. I just feel like every second of my every day is planned and sometimes I'd like some time to do whatever I want.
So last night I didn't have Jace and thought it'd be nice if John went to go hang out with his friends without me and I could just relax solo and sleep early and not feel guilty for leaving him alone and wide awake while I pass out at 9. But instead he insisted that he stay with me and then tried to keep me up, and was met with a very angry, very cranky Amanda. I feel bad, but sometimes I can get that way when I get tense and frustrated and feel crowded and such. It's a flaw. And for as bad as I can get now-a-days, I still know I'm so much better of a woman now than I was years ago. As bad as John thinks I can be, I'm a saint compared to how I behaved with other boyfriends. He's actually quite the lucky one so far! I haven't punched him or called him a pussy and told him to fuck off! I was quite the little bitch to everyone else at times, very hard to get along with, and in hindsight I see it perfectly clear. But I'm much more of an angel now! Every day is a constant battle to try to better myself to be someone that I can be extremely proud of being. Someday I hope to get there.
I love John, and none of this has anything to really do with him, although at times I feel he can be needy and high maintenance and needs constant activity going on. I'm just a bit burnt out from work and school and Jace and finances and family crap and people crap and cleaning up dog crap! I know things won't always be this way, and I'm excited for the day when they're not. I just don't see things changing anytime soon. John and I won't be able to afford an apartment for a loonnggg time and until then things will be a bit crappy. And I don't think John wants to move out of his house yet. But I guess it's a good thing that I have something great to look forward to, like living with John and spending my every day with my life intertwined with his. And maybe, hopefully, someday he'll want to marry me, and he'll act upon that feeling.
I haven't told John, but I've been throwing up quite a bit lately. I guess I just don't know how to stop. I eat a full meal and I have this overwhelming feeling of fullness and this need to get rid of this fullness and the gluttonous food in me and that's my go-to move. I haven't really figured out quite why I've been doing it lately. I'm sure it's got something to do with the underlying, innate feeling of ugliness and fatness and unworthiness that's been embedded in my DNA. A therapist once told me that eating disorders are one of the hardest behaviors to stop, and that most sufferers do it sporadically their whole lives. And I remember thinking about how sad that was, to be old and still feel ugly and unattractive and stick your fingers down your throat to vomit up the food you just ate because it will make you feel better. And then I realized, that I'll probably end up being one of those old ladies. It's something I've come to accept. The secrets and the lies and the throw up and the sneaky food behavior and the calorie counting and the sadness, that will always be with me. Ironically, the time when I was at my best with it was when I was single and dieting. And I think it's because I didn't have anyone whom I loved to inadvertently make me feel ugly sometimes. And I take it hard when I accidentally tell myself that my boyfriend thinks another girl is better looking than me. And there are lots of girls that are better looking, I just don't want to think that my boyfriend realizes this too! I always thought that the perfect love with the perfect guy would make it so I never felt ugly or gross again. But I realize that it makes me feel uglier, because I tell myself all the time, he think she's prettier/sexier/more beautiful/better looking/a bombshell/etc... I just hate that men are such horny creatures and can't think with anything other than their dick sometimes. Or if you do, I just don't want to hear about it! Like I didn't need to hear John talking about the woman who had her tits hanging out whom he noticed yet I didn't. I hope he immediately regretted those words. Probably not! Stupid men...
Well, that's all the ranting I think I have time for now!
Friday, December 14, 2012
Why do men have non functioning brains?
Seriously, it's THAT hard to inform someone what you're doing?! In this day and age with all the damn easy fucking technology, it's too much to type "hey, Glenn and Tom are over & we're drinking!" Look! I just did it in a matter of seconds! Amazing!
Why do men have brains if they never use them? You'd think that'd be a functionless part by now, like the appendix, who's function was once important and helpful, but now is considered pretty useless and can easily be removed. All they use it for is to breath and to think of things they can fuck. I'm sure some other part of the body could take over those responsibilities by now. I'm getting too into this...
This is one of those moods where every little annoying thing is spiraling downward into a huge ball of annoyances, and just when I think I can stop it, something comes along to make it spiral faster. I think it's time for some 'me' time. I need time to forget that other people exist on this planet. Can't the world end any sooner than Friday? Please?
Why do men have brains if they never use them? You'd think that'd be a functionless part by now, like the appendix, who's function was once important and helpful, but now is considered pretty useless and can easily be removed. All they use it for is to breath and to think of things they can fuck. I'm sure some other part of the body could take over those responsibilities by now. I'm getting too into this...
This is one of those moods where every little annoying thing is spiraling downward into a huge ball of annoyances, and just when I think I can stop it, something comes along to make it spiral faster. I think it's time for some 'me' time. I need time to forget that other people exist on this planet. Can't the world end any sooner than Friday? Please?
Let me introduce myself!
I'm not quite sure where to start with this, but my awkwardness and ADD shall soon aid me. Let's see where this goes...
My name is Amanda. I'm 23, I live on Long Island, and I hate it. I have a soon-to-be 2 year old son named Jace, and a sometimes 2-year-old acting boyfriend, John. Jace's dad is a terrible human being and I tell people it was an immaculate conception. I work at a mediocre bagel deli and go to school in pursuit of a nursing career (not my first choice, but toddlers and med school didn't seem to mix in my mind). I think that's all the pertinent information for now.
I'm told I'm quite funny, which is funny to me because never have I ever used that word to describe myself. Regardless, everyone needs a place to vent or bitch or to talk to themselves in a blog format.
As I write this, it is 7:30 am and I'm cautious for the sound of a waking baby in the next room. Fridays are my least busiest days; all I have is one class! This weekend is Jace's dad's weekend (Jace goes to his grandma's house for the weekend). Usually that means I'd spend my weekend sleeping over at John's house, but I'm thinking of changing it up this weekend. You see, I'm a bit ticked at John now-a-days. Too much? Probably.
I just think it's weird that he up and leaves and goes to his sister's dorm for 2 days MIA without any notice. I think it's weird that he barely talked to me while he was there. I think it's weird that he doesn't tell me anything he does when he goes out, but then again that's probably better off because every time I hear a story, it makes my stomach flip. I don't think I was meant for this era. I think I was meant for the 50s, before all this dang technology and shadiness and distrust came into play. I was meant to stay home, cook, clean, raise children, watch my Ps and Qs, get pregnant, and start it all over again the next day! I don't like all this going out and bar things and club things, etc... I was meant to settle down and be a grown up. The rest of the world? They're off listening to 2Chainz and humping anything that looks their way. And me? I'm here daydreaming of loyalty and faithfulness and unconditional love. Some call me an old soul, some call me lame!
I just don't get a man's mind. Am I positive John was good while away studying? Not really. Do I think he cheated on me? No. So I guess I have nothing to really complain about. That's why I feel bad saying something. All I want is for him to give me some sort of notice about his damn days! Even last night, I had to learn from his dad accidentally spilling it that he was going to see his friends last night. Really? Like when I come to see you the words "Tom & Glenn might come over" are just too hard to say? I have to hear it from your dad? Why? Because it's shady? Probably.
Have I been hurt too much in my lifetime? Absolutely. Am I posting too many questions to myself in this rant? Yes. Do I wish I could trust John? Yes. Do I? Not really. I guess it's not so much what he's done to me, but what I know people are capable of doing. I know what it's like to think you know people and then have them totally pull something out of left field. In my mind, all men are the same horny, unfaithful, sneaky little bastards. They're all up to no damn good. I thought John was different, I placed him high on a pedestal, but now I just view him on the same level as most men.
I know with all this ranting it's hard to get the point that I do actually love him across! And I do! I love John, he is my first waking thought, my last exhaustion-induced daydream before bed, the man who can put a smile on my face in an instant or make a thousand thoughts simultaneously run through my mind. I think we were fated to be together. I also think that I romanticize love too much. I've seen too many damn fairy-tales that I have to consciously remember that this is real life. I'm not a princess, there is no man to come and save me; I must save myself.
And with that, I hear a little boy rustling in the next room and I have to throw some comfy clothes on and head out!
"Please read my diary, look through my things and figure me out."
-- Kurt Cobain
My name is Amanda. I'm 23, I live on Long Island, and I hate it. I have a soon-to-be 2 year old son named Jace, and a sometimes 2-year-old acting boyfriend, John. Jace's dad is a terrible human being and I tell people it was an immaculate conception. I work at a mediocre bagel deli and go to school in pursuit of a nursing career (not my first choice, but toddlers and med school didn't seem to mix in my mind). I think that's all the pertinent information for now.
I'm told I'm quite funny, which is funny to me because never have I ever used that word to describe myself. Regardless, everyone needs a place to vent or bitch or to talk to themselves in a blog format.
As I write this, it is 7:30 am and I'm cautious for the sound of a waking baby in the next room. Fridays are my least busiest days; all I have is one class! This weekend is Jace's dad's weekend (Jace goes to his grandma's house for the weekend). Usually that means I'd spend my weekend sleeping over at John's house, but I'm thinking of changing it up this weekend. You see, I'm a bit ticked at John now-a-days. Too much? Probably.
I just think it's weird that he up and leaves and goes to his sister's dorm for 2 days MIA without any notice. I think it's weird that he barely talked to me while he was there. I think it's weird that he doesn't tell me anything he does when he goes out, but then again that's probably better off because every time I hear a story, it makes my stomach flip. I don't think I was meant for this era. I think I was meant for the 50s, before all this dang technology and shadiness and distrust came into play. I was meant to stay home, cook, clean, raise children, watch my Ps and Qs, get pregnant, and start it all over again the next day! I don't like all this going out and bar things and club things, etc... I was meant to settle down and be a grown up. The rest of the world? They're off listening to 2Chainz and humping anything that looks their way. And me? I'm here daydreaming of loyalty and faithfulness and unconditional love. Some call me an old soul, some call me lame!
I just don't get a man's mind. Am I positive John was good while away studying? Not really. Do I think he cheated on me? No. So I guess I have nothing to really complain about. That's why I feel bad saying something. All I want is for him to give me some sort of notice about his damn days! Even last night, I had to learn from his dad accidentally spilling it that he was going to see his friends last night. Really? Like when I come to see you the words "Tom & Glenn might come over" are just too hard to say? I have to hear it from your dad? Why? Because it's shady? Probably.
Have I been hurt too much in my lifetime? Absolutely. Am I posting too many questions to myself in this rant? Yes. Do I wish I could trust John? Yes. Do I? Not really. I guess it's not so much what he's done to me, but what I know people are capable of doing. I know what it's like to think you know people and then have them totally pull something out of left field. In my mind, all men are the same horny, unfaithful, sneaky little bastards. They're all up to no damn good. I thought John was different, I placed him high on a pedestal, but now I just view him on the same level as most men.
I know with all this ranting it's hard to get the point that I do actually love him across! And I do! I love John, he is my first waking thought, my last exhaustion-induced daydream before bed, the man who can put a smile on my face in an instant or make a thousand thoughts simultaneously run through my mind. I think we were fated to be together. I also think that I romanticize love too much. I've seen too many damn fairy-tales that I have to consciously remember that this is real life. I'm not a princess, there is no man to come and save me; I must save myself.
And with that, I hear a little boy rustling in the next room and I have to throw some comfy clothes on and head out!
"Please read my diary, look through my things and figure me out."
-- Kurt Cobain
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