I've been getting a bit aggravated with John lately. I haven't been feeling quite so well lately.
With my mom being in Mexico for a week, I knew John would sleep over a lot, I just also expected to have a night or two to myself. I just feel so busy every now-and-then, and I long for some alone time. I don't think people appreciate the time you can spend all by your lonesome until you can no longer have that precious time. Not even that, but I do have other things to do besides hang out with John. He laughs, but I seriously do need time to do laundry and clean and sweep and all those other pesky little things that don't get done unless I do them. I just don't think he realizes all that's needed to upkeep a household, and that I like to get these things done one after another so I can maximize my relaxation time. Also, whenever he tells me he has somewhere to be or something to do, I don't try to talk him out of it, I let him go do whatever. But when I say I have something else to do or that something needs to get done, he has to try to coax me out of doing it and hang out with him instead. I wish he would just let me easily get my shit done instead of question it. I have a lot of shit to get done sometimes! I guess I'm just frustrated a bit. I just feel like every second of my every day is planned and sometimes I'd like some time to do whatever I want.
So last night I didn't have Jace and thought it'd be nice if John went to go hang out with his friends without me and I could just relax solo and sleep early and not feel guilty for leaving him alone and wide awake while I pass out at 9. But instead he insisted that he stay with me and then tried to keep me up, and was met with a very angry, very cranky Amanda. I feel bad, but sometimes I can get that way when I get tense and frustrated and feel crowded and such. It's a flaw. And for as bad as I can get now-a-days, I still know I'm so much better of a woman now than I was years ago. As bad as John thinks I can be, I'm a saint compared to how I behaved with other boyfriends. He's actually quite the lucky one so far! I haven't punched him or called him a pussy and told him to fuck off! I was quite the little bitch to everyone else at times, very hard to get along with, and in hindsight I see it perfectly clear. But I'm much more of an angel now! Every day is a constant battle to try to better myself to be someone that I can be extremely proud of being. Someday I hope to get there.
I love John, and none of this has anything to really do with him, although at times I feel he can be needy and high maintenance and needs constant activity going on. I'm just a bit burnt out from work and school and Jace and finances and family crap and people crap and cleaning up dog crap! I know things won't always be this way, and I'm excited for the day when they're not. I just don't see things changing anytime soon. John and I won't be able to afford an apartment for a loonnggg time and until then things will be a bit crappy. And I don't think John wants to move out of his house yet. But I guess it's a good thing that I have something great to look forward to, like living with John and spending my every day with my life intertwined with his. And maybe, hopefully, someday he'll want to marry me, and he'll act upon that feeling.
I haven't told John, but I've been throwing up quite a bit lately. I guess I just don't know how to stop. I eat a full meal and I have this overwhelming feeling of fullness and this need to get rid of this fullness and the gluttonous food in me and that's my go-to move. I haven't really figured out quite why I've been doing it lately. I'm sure it's got something to do with the underlying, innate feeling of ugliness and fatness and unworthiness that's been embedded in my DNA. A therapist once told me that eating disorders are one of the hardest behaviors to stop, and that most sufferers do it sporadically their whole lives. And I remember thinking about how sad that was, to be old and still feel ugly and unattractive and stick your fingers down your throat to vomit up the food you just ate because it will make you feel better. And then I realized, that I'll probably end up being one of those old ladies. It's something I've come to accept. The secrets and the lies and the throw up and the sneaky food behavior and the calorie counting and the sadness, that will always be with me. Ironically, the time when I was at my best with it was when I was single and dieting. And I think it's because I didn't have anyone whom I loved to inadvertently make me feel ugly sometimes. And I take it hard when I accidentally tell myself that my boyfriend thinks another girl is better looking than me. And there are lots of girls that are better looking, I just don't want to think that my boyfriend realizes this too! I always thought that the perfect love with the perfect guy would make it so I never felt ugly or gross again. But I realize that it makes me feel uglier, because I tell myself all the time, he think she's prettier/sexier/more beautiful/better looking/a bombshell/etc... I just hate that men are such horny creatures and can't think with anything other than their dick sometimes. Or if you do, I just don't want to hear about it! Like I didn't need to hear John talking about the woman who had her tits hanging out whom he noticed yet I didn't. I hope he immediately regretted those words. Probably not! Stupid men...
Well, that's all the ranting I think I have time for now!
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