I'm not quite sure where to start with this, but my awkwardness and ADD shall soon aid me. Let's see where this goes...
My name is Amanda. I'm 23, I live on Long Island, and I hate it. I have a soon-to-be 2 year old son named Jace, and a sometimes 2-year-old acting boyfriend, John. Jace's dad is a terrible human being and I tell people it was an immaculate conception. I work at a mediocre bagel deli and go to school in pursuit of a nursing career (not my first choice, but toddlers and med school didn't seem to mix in my mind). I think that's all the pertinent information for now.
I'm told I'm quite funny, which is funny to me because never have I ever used that word to describe myself. Regardless, everyone needs a place to vent or bitch or to talk to themselves in a blog format.
As I write this, it is 7:30 am and I'm cautious for the sound of a waking baby in the next room. Fridays are my least busiest days; all I have is one class! This weekend is Jace's dad's weekend (Jace goes to his grandma's house for the weekend). Usually that means I'd spend my weekend sleeping over at John's house, but I'm thinking of changing it up this weekend. You see, I'm a bit ticked at John now-a-days. Too much? Probably.
I just think it's weird that he up and leaves and goes to his sister's dorm for 2 days MIA without any notice. I think it's weird that he barely talked to me while he was there. I think it's weird that he doesn't tell me anything he does when he goes out, but then again that's probably better off because every time I hear a story, it makes my stomach flip. I don't think I was meant for this era. I think I was meant for the 50s, before all this dang technology and shadiness and distrust came into play. I was meant to stay home, cook, clean, raise children, watch my Ps and Qs, get pregnant, and start it all over again the next day! I don't like all this going out and bar things and club things, etc... I was meant to settle down and be a grown up. The rest of the world? They're off listening to 2Chainz and humping anything that looks their way. And me? I'm here daydreaming of loyalty and faithfulness and unconditional love. Some call me an old soul, some call me lame!
I just don't get a man's mind. Am I positive John was good while away studying? Not really. Do I think he cheated on me? No. So I guess I have nothing to really complain about. That's why I feel bad saying something. All I want is for him to give me some sort of notice about his damn days! Even last night, I had to learn from his dad accidentally spilling it that he was going to see his friends last night. Really? Like when I come to see you the words "Tom & Glenn might come over" are just too hard to say? I have to hear it from your dad? Why? Because it's shady? Probably.
Have I been hurt too much in my lifetime? Absolutely. Am I posting too many questions to myself in this rant? Yes. Do I wish I could trust John? Yes. Do I? Not really. I guess it's not so much what he's done to me, but what I know people are capable of doing. I know what it's like to think you know people and then have them totally pull something out of left field. In my mind, all men are the same horny, unfaithful, sneaky little bastards. They're all up to no damn good. I thought John was different, I placed him high on a pedestal, but now I just view him on the same level as most men.
I know with all this ranting it's hard to get the point that I do actually love him across! And I do! I love John, he is my first waking thought, my last exhaustion-induced daydream before bed, the man who can put a smile on my face in an instant or make a thousand thoughts simultaneously run through my mind. I think we were fated to be together. I also think that I romanticize love too much. I've seen too many damn fairy-tales that I have to consciously remember that this is real life. I'm not a princess, there is no man to come and save me; I must save myself.
And with that, I hear a little boy rustling in the next room and I have to throw some comfy clothes on and head out!
"Please read my diary, look through my things and figure me out."
-- Kurt Cobain
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