Day One.

Waking up today, the world seems like such a sad place again. He didn't text or call, I knew he wouldn't. Probably too busy trying to get into someone else's pants. I know I made a mistake when I told him I wanted to break up, but he didn't have to take it this far. Him leaving and hanging up on me was the last straw. I have no idea why he did that. I have no idea why he did any of this. MaryAnn was right, he really just wanted to break up with me and this was his opportunity. I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid for believing he actually loved me. What an idiot. Why do guys drag your heart around for shits and giggles? Is anyone genuinely real anymore? Probably not.

And now his sister won't talk to me and I know she read what I wrote to her. We always said that no matter what happened between her brother and I that we'd always be friends, but I guess not. He probably told her all this bad shit about me. Probably told his whole family. Now I have no one. Just Jace. I love Jace. Good thing he'll never leave me. Good thing he actually loves me, I know he does.

I still feel the tears and sadness that has taken residence inside me, but I dare not let them out, because then he wins. He won anyway. He got everything he wanted, to be free and away from me, while I'm drowning in confusion and sadness. All because he wouldn't fucking apologize! Why?! That's the problem with people who had great lives and little hardship, they think very rarely of others, only themselves. Any day of the week, he could simply go up one or two flights of stairs and see his dad. I can't. I haven't in 13 years. To see my dad, I have to drive 8-10 hours. I see my dad ONE day a YEAR. Every girl needs her dad, and I need mine, even though we're not close. And I walked around talking all this good stuff about John and he couldn't even bother to show up. I went out of my way so many times for his parents! And for his friends! Lord knows if there's a group of people I can't stand, it's drama geeks! And I was in a whole room of them the other night for him! He doesn't appreciate at all the amount of times I went out with him when I really wanted to stay home and sleep. Or how many times I stayed up doing things I should have been doing but was staying with him instead. All wasted. I'm so dumb.

I miss John. But I can never go back to him. Not after last night. All that's left is to move on I guess. He probably already has. Because apparently I meant nothing to him and that's why he can do all the things he did. I don't remember being this hurt since the infamous Anthony break up. But I guess the good in this all is that I learned that I know I can love again after my heart's been broken, and I'll do it again someday. Maybe. I'm not at all interested in dating anyone, probably won't be for months or years. I'd rather just be alone and not hurt than to think someone loves me and then get my heart torn out. My heart hurts. That physical hurt that only a love taken away can bring up. I loved John. I wanted to marry him and spend my life with him, every fucking day. Ruined. Ruined because he couldn't apologize, he hung up, he went out partying instead of trying to work things out. Back to hating life. Back to depression, back to the familiar feeling of loneliness and no friends and no one understands me and I'm alone and sad. I miss John. I wish he didn't do this. I wish he would've just loved me. Maybe someday someone will. Probably not though, let's be realistic.