I'm Gonna Be Okay. Right?

I guess I won't be ranting about boyfriend troubles anymore because I no longer have a boyfriend.

I can barely breathe and I've been pacing around my room for 30 minutes repeating 'I'm gonna be okay' over and over again, restraining as many tears as I possibly can, letting a few go now and then when my body feels tense and dense and heavy with sadness and fear and anger and depression. I can feel all the tears I want to let out deep in my chest and I heave to keep them in. Crying seems pointless. Crying won't change what happened. There isn't enough crying to make me not depressed right now, so what's the point in feeling shameful in crying over him.

All because he couldn't just meet my damn dad. Because he couldn't hustle his fucking ass one day a year to come meet my dad. But it's not that. It was his reaction to it all. I think he just wanted to break up with me for a long time and this was just it. I'm such an idiot. And now I'm such a mess. And he wouldn't talk to me all fucking day and when we did he refused to apologize and now instead of talking to me he's at some dumb fucking party, because that's always what's more important to guys. And he hung up on me. And now the tears are coming in heavy and it's harder and harder to keep them contained. I'm so fucking hurt right now. More hurt than I've felt in years. I wish I had never met him. I'd rather not have loved him so much if it meant I wouldn't be going through this pain right now. I need a near-fatal dose of NyQuil to keep my mind off my depression tonight.

But I just keep convincing myself that I'm gonna be okay. I know that break ups are always the hardest in the beginning, and they slowly but surely get better. I remember thinking I'd never survive my breakup with Anthony. And I spent weeks isolated in my house doing drugs and drinking all day long and waiting for his car to come up my driveway. And I didn't even realize that in all that time I was slowly but surely getting stronger and moving on, and I never realized that someday I'd be over him. And I thought I would never love again. I was sure of it. But I did. I loved John in ways I didn't know were imaginable. And that gives me hope that someday, however long it takes to get over, I can love someone again. Maybe I can let someone else in. But I will definitely proceed with much more caution, if I ever have get the chance to date again. I would definitely take things slower than I did with John. You need minimum 5-10 years to really know someone, and I was ready to spill my soul to John in a heartbeat. I will be much more careful next time.

On the bright side, I always lose a ton of weight when I get single, so at least I'll have that going for me. Being sad but pretty, the role of the American woman. Is it? I don't know. I'm having a bit of a breakdown so I'm not really sure. What I am sure of is that my heart is broken in a million little pieces, and I will not trust anyone else as easily as I did John. You never know who people really are. You think you know someone, and they pull some crazy shit out of left field.

I had a strong feeling that John and I would eventually get back together. But that was before I realized that he went out to party and hung up on me. He has no chance. He has hurt me beyond the point of return now. I hope he regrets this, they always do. Men always fuck up and think they'll be fine and better off and then they all come fucking crawling back! Anthony did, Joe did, Andrew did, they all miss how fucking good they had it. John fucked up so bad tonight. He acted EXACTLY like how Joe did, and that's how I knew that this was over, officially over. I will never be with another jerk like Joe. I spent years depressed by him and emotionally dizzy because he was always doing things that broke my heart. No more. I'm tired of having my heart constantly broken.

I'm gonna be okay. Someday I can learn to love and trust someone again. I just don't know how long it will take to wonder through this depression, and how long it will take before my heart stops hurting, physically hurting. I hope it's quick. I won't give John the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. He'd love it. All men do. How weird that I thought he was different than all the other guys, yet he is literally exactly the same as 99% of them. Someday I will find my prince. I have to. I have to believe in love. It's all I've ever wanted. At least I have Jace. He'll never leave me. John wanted to. He's fine with this. He'll probably hump some easy chick tonight and think nothing of it and go on in life, will my time is spent healing and recovering and hurting. I need sleep. I want to sleep and wake up and be in that phase of a break up where you're completely moved on from it. It took years for Ant and months for Joe. Maybe my heart will heal faster this time. I hope so. John really fucked me over. I loved him so much. We both lost out on what could have been such a great thing. I deleted his number and Facebook and anything I had. That way I can't text or call him all the time like I did to Anthony, I remember how annoying that was. I want to just purge John from my life completely, including skipping the psycho ex gf messages and calls. He's not worth it. He's not. I'm gonna be okay.