I always wanted John to be happy, and if he wasn't with me, then I still hope he finds it somewhere. I can be a big girl and say that. There's no part of me that doesn't still love John, but now it's just a different love, the love you just keep for a human being. And loving someone means that you want them to be happy, no matter what. So if John wasn't happy with me, I hope he becomes happy somewhere else. When any of my relationships ended, I was always thought about who I was before meeting them and who I am today and how I've changed, and whether it was for the better or for the worse. It was actually usually the better. So I've been trying to focus on the positives instead of the negatives now.
After loving John, I've learned that it's okay to be yourself. I was like a wounded, helpless, frail bird when I met John, and he nursed me back to normal, a bit, again. Coming off of the Lifetime movie-esque relationship I had with Joe (which is a bad thing, because all Lifetime movies have women who are beaten and abused and yelled at and made to feel like shit and controlled or something like that and they're all helpless and you're yelling at the screen to tell them to get out of the relationship, that it's very easy, but it's never the easy choice), I was all sorts of messed up. I didn't know who I was, I had spent years hearing I was this awful person and I wasn't. John showed me I wasn't. John loved my fun facts, no one ever loved my fun facts. He showed me it's okay to be me because I can be loved for it. He showed me the magic and love in the little things, little surprises. He showed me that dinner is not McDonald's or Wendy's, but that it's worth it to spend the extra money and be a grown up and get a little dressy and go out to a nice restaurant, like SUSHI! YUM! He helped me be a little more open-minded. He showed me that someone will treat my son nicely, that not all men will look at him as an annoyance or hindrance. He showed me that it's okay to ask for help when you really, really need it, because other people will like helping you. I learned that it's okay to slow down, because not everything needs to get done at once, and that sometimes, I get too frazzled and stressed out and it's okay to ignore chores and just have a little fun instead. He showed me that a strong family bond is a very desirable trait in someone. He showed me that families can be normal! That families can be close, and talk about things, and resolve issues, and not be drunks or druggies or bad people, that you can spend nights playing Scrabble...er, Words With Friends...with family members and actually have a lot of fun! He showed me that people can grow up normal, and just because I didn't, it doesn't make me different. He taught me that honesty about your feelings is a good thing. He taught me that I can have a problem with someone and bring it up and they won't leave me just because I did (even though we ironically broke up because I said I was hurt by something he did...Alanis Morissette would be so proud of my love of irony). He showed me that I'm a strong woman, I am. He showed me that I do a lot for others and that I am a good person, and that I am some sort of lovable. And loving John has shown me that I can love someone in ways I never thought possible. All those times when I thought my heart was too broken by previous life experiences to ever be able to work again, John showed me I could if the right person came along. He was exactly what I needed. And so I went into this relationship weak, slow, feeble, helpless, and I came out of it almost 6 months later a stronger woman, a smarter woman, more confident, more loving, more open. I believe everyone was put in your life for a reason, so even the failed relationships teach you so much.
I feel a bit better now. I feel a bit stronger for writing that. I feel like I can get on with my day, and that with each day I will hurt less. And someday, maybe, my heart will love again. But I'm not focusing on that now. I just need to focus on my son and my schooling and be by myself. I'm used to it, I love it, it's comforting and familiar and that's all I need right now. It's funny that I always think of loneliness as my default setting, and relationships as short spurts of companionship and love spaced in between that.
There's a toddler repeating 'Mom...mom....mom!' starting in the next room, and so day one has begun. Breathe...
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